A short speech from the stump
What your Armchair General would say in a TV debate (if he could be bothered)
Your humble Armchair General has been following this General Election campaign with a degree of weariness and mild depression. Only the news of Farage’s entry into the fray has provided any degree of excitement.
Nigel is, of course, something of a Marmite character but one cannot deny that his candidacy and assumption of Reform’s leadership has thrown the Tories into a hilarious panic, and even caused some wobbles on the Labour side. Your humble General knew Nigel a little, some years ago, and the best tribute that I can offer — other than that his oratory is always blunt and designed to annoy the right people — is that he promptly stands his round at the bar, and doesn’t keep the receipt.
As someone who has often been around those with short arms and long pockets, I maintain that you can tell a lot about a man from how he behaves in a pub-round situation.
It is also refreshing to see any politician asking questions about why Our NHS is so useless, and almost heretically proposing that we look to alternative funding systems — such as France. It is also astonishing to listen to Nigel point out that taxing people on the National Minimum Wage is a moral abomination.
Regardless, I do feel that Farage and Reform are focusing a little too heavily on the immigration issue — sure, it is a big issue but it isn’t the most severe problem facing the UK today.
So, here, for your delectation, is the speech that your humble General might give on one of these TV debates, were I speaking on behalf of a Reform-style party…
Britain is not great
“You have listened to the other parties’ closing remarks, and I think that they sum up the totality of their failure — not one single party has identified the core reasons why our economy is failing and our culture has been hollowed out.
“Some have described this as ‘the immigration election’, and we stand by our pledge to deliver net zero legal migration. Immigration is too high — and not just for economic reasons.
“But I don’t believe that immigration would be such a hot topic if everyone felt that they were getting richer — if GDP per capita were actually increasing. But it isn’t.
“After Brexit, some people decried perceived attempts to create “Singapore-on-Thames”. But Singapore ranks fifth in the world, with a per capita GDP of $109,000 per annum; thanks to the last few decades under the boot of both Conservatives and Labour, the UK barely registers — we’re at number 28, with a meagre $47,000.
“So, would being Singapore-on-Thames really be that bad? I put it to you that being richer, across all of society, is a good thing. As I once heard that great philosopher Jonathan Ross say, ‘money can’t buy you happiness — but it sure takes the sting out of being poor.’”
Economic failure
“So, why is our economy failing?
“Why is it that we have seen barely any growth in over a decade?
“Why is our High Speed rail line costing £346m per mile, compared to £46m in France?
“Why do we build the smallest and most expensive houses in Europe — and still don’t build enough to avoid a Housing Crisis?
“Why is our National Health Service one of the most expensive in Europe, but with some of the worst health outcomes? (For example, if our health service performed as well as Germany in the treatment of just three types of cancer, 10,000 fewer British people would die every year — 10,000 fewer families would have to mourn the untimely loss of their loved ones.)
“Is it possible that these other more conventional, more highly-resourced parties do not know why our economy is failing so spectacularly? I think not.
“So, it can only be that they do not want to fix the problems. They are very comfortable, thank you, and they couldn’t give a stuff about the extent to which ordinary men and women in this country are struggling.
“If they did care, they would be standing here offering the really quite simple solutions to our core issues — not tinkering at the edges. They wouldn’t be proposing cheap banana-republic solutions like the Tories’ National Service, or Labour’s vindictive raising of taxes on children’s education.
“Frankly, I think it’s pathetic.”
Planning reform
“Let me tell you what we offer: and no, we won’t need to raise taxes to pay for them, because the most effective solutions won’t cost anything. In fact, they will save money — money we can return to the pockets of the hard-working people on this country.
“So, let me ask you: why can’t we build enough houses to give our young people the hope of getting on the property ladder — or even to rent affordably?
“Why can’t we build the un-pot-holed roads and High Speed rail lines to service them?
“Why can’t we build the Green power stations to keep the lights on, or the hospitals in which to treat people?
“Why is it that we have set a new record for the length of a planning document? Incredibly the application to build another tunnel under the Thames Estuary clocks in at 359,000 pages, and has cost more than £800 million — and nothing has actually been built.
“Do you think that is a good use of your hard-earned tax money? Because I don’t.
“So, the first thing that we will do is to radically reform the 1947 Town and Country Planning Act, slash anti-human environmental regulations, and abolish the judicial reviews and other orgies of lawyer-enriching law-fare that act as a fatal brake on our economy.
“We will do this so that we can build the houses and the infrastructure that this country needs to thrive. That alone will unlock a massive boost to the economy.
“To support this renaissance and to provide great jobs across the country, our government will pay people to train as builders, electricians, plumbers, and engineers — so that the skilled workforce supporting this great industrial explosion will be British.”
Society
“But economics is not everything. We must look to heal our fractured society too.
“One of our foundational beliefs is that we believe that all men and women — regardless of race, sex, religion, or any other characteristic — are equal in the eyes of the law. And we will acknowledge that our country, with its Common Law, was the first to recognise this fundamental equality within our legal system.
“As such, we will proactively shut down any parallel legal systems, such as the many Sharia courts that exist in this country, that fail to acknowledge that women are not chattel slaves, that women and girls are not worth less than men.
“We fundamentally stand against child abuse. And that is why we stand against the industrial rape gangs in Rotherham, Manchester, Oxford, or any of the the other 60-odd towns and cities of this country. That is why we stand against the doctors and parents who mutilate children through Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) or underage gender reassignment. And we stand against those who aid and abet them, or any so-called public servants who cover up these crimes.
“We will hunt them down and vigorously prosecute them, without fear or favour. And, if convicted, they will be offered a choice of a lengthy prison sentence or, if they prefer, deportation to a country that shares their cultural beliefs.
“So, be warned: if you were a police officer or councillor in Rotherham, or a doctor at the Tavistock… we are coming for you.
“The same fate awaits illegal immigrants: once they set foot on these shores, they have broken the law. They will be tried and, if convicted, deported to their country of origin.
“If we must withdraw from the ECHR to do that, then we will not hesitate. Our participation in that scheme was to bring British equality to other nations — not to embed inequality in ours.
“We believe that each and every British citizen has worth, and should be equal under the law. And that is why we will repeal all laws that discriminate for or against any group: we believe that they are divisive and counter to our traditions. And we will start with the ironically-named Equalities Act — legislation that actually demands, by law, that organisations discriminate against people in this country.”
Summary
“We will shortly be releasing our full manifesto that underscores our belief that this was a great country, brought to mediocrity by decade after decade of appalling mismanagement by successive Conservative, Labour and LibDem Coalition governments.
“Not one of the other parties is offering any solutions to the problems that we face: in fact, none of them even acknowledges that they exist. They have no ideas beyond more spending, more tax, more government.
“Why? Because they are very happy with the status quo, thank you very much, and the only thing that they want is more power over you and your children. And that is why they don’t care about your struggles, your hopes, your dreams.
“And that is why you know that not one of these featherbedded politicians will make your lives better, or allow this country to thrive. They are not the solution: they are your enemy.
“Our manifesto… No, not a manifesto. Our contract with the British people will expand on what I have outlined to you here. But, in summary, in common with the other parties (though they can’t admit it), we understand that our problems are caused by the thickets of non-sensical, interfering laws and burdensome regulations that have been laid down by decades of shoddy, racketeering governments.
“But, for very obvious reasons, our party is the only one who will fix them.
“So, in this election, on July 4th, vote for prosperity! Vote for equality!
“Vote Armchair General!”
Absolutely bloody right! You'd have my vote if you were standing.